Creep

 When You were here before. I couldn’t look You in the eye. How could I possibly do so? During my praise and worship of You, I couldn’t bare to keep myself in check. Reading of Your Heavenly Kingdom has brought me to tears. Drops of salty water run down my cheek to my lips. I simply let my face twist and turn with sweet emotion. Feeling as close to You like never before. As if being transported to Your marvelous of ruby, saphires, gold, and Holy Light. Your just like an angel. . .no, above them. You shine brighter than the archangels, Micheal and Gabriel. Brighter than the deceptive light of Lucifer. You are the True Bright Morning Star. Your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather. In a beautiful world. Never could there be a sight more beautiful. Compared to You, I am nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wish I were special. You’re so very special. You have given me eternal salvation through Your sacrifice. But I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I’ve forsaken Your wishes for me. I have denied Your orders. I don’t belong here.

I don’t care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want to pursue my dreams. I want to make my own decisions. Thrive in the pop culture of this world. Yet that has no consolation when I’m down. I feel so empty inside. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. Leave this blasted life of inequities in the dust. Return to Your side in Paradise. But how can I, a wetched sinner, ask this? Being forsaken like the abandoned coal mines. I feel so alone without You. I want You to notice. When I’m not around. For who will notice if I leave? I will not be missed in the ministry You have placed me in. People grow accustomed to change. Those who have been there since the beginning. . .the two passed away. . .they carry on without them. A happy memory. They’ll see them later. On the other side. So why bother missing them. If you’l see them again. You made this possible. You’re so very special. I wish I were special.

But I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. I neglected You. I payed no attention to Your voice. During the act. I heard those songs. The songs I grew to love. The ones that praised You. Still I blocked them out. Caring not for Your compassion. The battle going on. Allowing the serpent to win. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here. Not in Your grace. Not in Your forgiveness.

She’s running out again. She’s running out. The harlot within me. She run, run, run, run. run. She’s finally outside of me. Gone in the wind. Never to come back, untill I allow him to win. But he will not win over me. For Your inside of me. Your part of me.

Whatever makes You happy. Whatever You want. Take me and use me. For Your ever-growing glory. I want to serve The Holy One above. To do His Will, is like no other thing. To spread the good news. For the resound of Your Name. You’ve taken me out of my grief. Out of my decadence. I’m O’ so grateful. So very special. You are better than anything I have ever known. No longer saying. “I wish I was special.” But I’m a creep. I have broken Your laws. Chosen to do it on my free will. I’m a weirdo. What I’ve chosen to admire. Where I’ve taken my beliefs. What makes me smile, isn’t always right. Yet You have brought me O’ so much joy. More than I can express with words. I see You shine in my life. Even in my lifestyle. What the hell am I doing here? Arriving to church. Missing that big party. Before I would have been confused. You’ve made it clear. Now I’m living for You. The decision made not so long ago. I don’t belong here. Something I once thought to be true. Now with You still present in my life. It merely makes me laugh. How could I ever say that with a straight face. I will not say ” I don’t belong here.” for I’ve given myself to You. 

(just a note, this may be the last post I make untill the new school year comes around. I don’t have a laptop, so I can’t write on my travels.)

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