The Unsung Hero

My life has been one that I cannot say is common. First off (just to acknowledge it), I am of a Mediterranian decent as well as Mayan. Second, I did not learn English till’ the 3rd grade. This led to being secluded from everyone else (everyone gets their social skills when they’re young). Due to this, I was seperated from the pack, while still being with it (was in the group, yet said nothing). The times I did talk to people made me question if I should or shouldn’t say this or that. I wasn’t sure how to act around friends. I would often respond with a few words and that ‘s it. All of this made me very insecure about myself. This seclusion proceded for a few years. For some reason, I began to see things in a worse case scenerio. So then, in a sense, I began to be a pessimist. Always seeing things in the worst way possible. So now, I’m a insecure, pessimist, who has growing paranoia problem. I began to base probable outcomes with fears of what might happen in between…I was very subjective to most anything. People told me to do something, I did it. But to certain limitations. Simple stuff, but nothing rash. The only solace for me was my imagination.

My imagination has been grinding away ever since I was 5 years old. I would make up some of the coolest ideas and concepts. A Valley of Repose in a sense. This is where I hid from the rest of the world. My imagination aged as I did. It got more profound and vivid. Thoughts would become broken down to make the best possible experience. My paranoia was what ultimatly sparked my whole mind processing. In the past few years, my imagination soared high above previous thoughts. I began to piece occurances together to make a story line. A complex web of events that required maintenance on a day to day basis. Characters were made to take place of ideas and concepts. Forcing me to begin more in depth realizations. Thoughts required a driving purpose to add the the ever growing story line. Everyday life was the sole manna for this.

Everyday, things happen and we take it as nothing. I refused to do so. The few “warm guns” I recieved were put to paramount use. Whatever happened to me on any given day influenced what I thought. Molding the story that will never be forgotten in my mind; school, cartoons, friends, Nintendo, landscape, sun sets, night, stars, astrology, End Times, violence, racism, the Bible, movies, Pikmin, Rock, Lucifer, sports, the mall, animals, the city, God, death, spirits, nature, love, vehicles, great leaders, guns, Pop, happiness, culture, fire, aliens, SSBM, the ocean depths, evil, media, dictators, Japan, technology, Russia, power, new sights, USSR, language, Pokemon, summer, caves, rain, Heaven, Autumn, Guitar Hero, corruption, compassion, blizzards, hatred, colors, anime, Aleman, music I miss so much, decadence, wistfulness, factories, paintings, Siberia, war, contraversy, pain, solemn, Mayans, vengance, clouds, Babylon, robots, fighting, relationships, amusement, Antichrist, forgiveness, towers, WW2, twin towers, myth, equality, weapons, Nazis, skates, torment, angels, magic, regret, Napolean Bonaparte, communism, freedom, rituals, suicide, flight, experience, appearance, the underdog, acceleration, an ace, devastation, heroes, lightness, teachings, the Beast, worry, darkness, energy, neon lights, ancient sites, foraken, purpose, bounty hunters, the cross, comfort, Tae Kwon Do, peace, documents, stories, wisdom, music, life, meaning, atheism, fear, universe, doubt, money, 666, fame, warfare, histeria, respect, desire, finding an end . . . .

During the past months, so much has formed in my mind. I have begun to look for the deeper meaning in most all things. I look at certain topics, like lyrics, and search for the meaning that I can get out of it. Anyone can find the broad answer, but I want to interpret it in my own way. A way that applies to my life. I have a whole plot line embeded in my mind. A story that has over 10 years in the making. It didn’t grow every other week, it grew every single day. To this day, I have not forsaken it. Keeping it intact keeps the essence of paranoia inside of me. It won’t go away. I would not want it to go away. It has hurt me in countless ways, but I am grateful for that. Iwouldn’t be where I am today, was it not for the one single event that I regret today, but thank God for tomorrow. The paranoia has restricted me from doing many things, but has propelled me forward so. I act a certain way with my friends, yet act different with family. If I acted the way I did with my family around my friends, guarantee I would be at least 10 times funnier and outgoing. But the paranoia has bound me with a chain that I refuse to break off. It is possible, but I wouldn’t shatter it for anything in this world.

This blog was made for me to present my inner self to the world (more like 30 people) openly and not worry about what may be thought of me. It has succeded in getting a few points across, but in the end doesn’t hold much importance. I still refrain from SO many things that I still am not willing to share. The past few weeks I have been struggling with writing new things on this blog. What disappoints me is that I feel like this doesn’t do anything for me. All it does is that it is one of the only few documentations of my inner thougths. I think though, who really cares about what I have to say? Do other people really give a damn if I think this or that? Why bother in taking a few hours of my time here if I begin to believe no one gets anything out of this other than “that was cool, wonder what’s on TV”….I WANT to be part of something bigger. Not some pathetic guy who has ambition, yet never uses it. I want to be TRUSTED. People won’t reveal things to me when I really want to help them succeed. I want to be NEEDED. I know Jesus loves me with His all, but that doesn’t quite fill the strange void in me. I see myself as someone who is just there and is only just there. I befriend people, yet still feel excluded when they just see me as someone there. I would like to be more open with others, but I mask it with entertainment. I criticize, but do it with next to no depth (i can say every little thing that, in my opinion, was bad, but won’t in fear i will be hated or hurt someone). I only complain a lot, because I feel comfortable in my surroundings. I could very easily not utter a complaint, but that would be like I’m not being open. Why bother saying anything if I don’t mean it? To keep quite is almost like an insult to me. People have said I didn’t talk at all before, but now that I have become more social they basically tell me to shut up. Damn it, I do not work that way! I CAN’T stay in the middle! I either go all the way or no way! All or nothing! It..is…just…my…nature…I can’t help it. God loves us all the same, so why do I have to change to follow the social norm? As far as I’m concerned, the social norm is fading quick. So many fornications have been committed in the face of God that I don’t see what is normal anymore. Due to this, I don’t get shocked or moved very easily anymore. A thousands dead corpses from the Holocaust, plain in-your-face racism, and kids in the military…these things do not surprise me at all. All of these things happen everyday, why does seeing it today make it any different. I am able to take in the extemes, but fall to the simple acts. A dog being abused, a baby crying in pain, a person wallowing in their own grave…..simple pain that is never covered by the media can only be witnessed in plain sight. I absolutely loathe to see people suffer when they don’t need to. All of these three things either bring me fury or woe. This is the sole reason why I love Jesus like no other. He died so that every tear may be wiped away from their eyes. Loving us with such compassion that it is like He loves only us more than any other person that ever existed.

Sorry if I rambled on for most of this, I just felt compelled to talk about what was going through my mind before and during the whole post. I won’t say this is for those who know me to get a better understanding about me, because in all honesty, that’s a bunch of bull. You do not really care about how I think. This is really just entertainment so that you may get something, if anything, out of this. I have found that most really don’t care for what you think about as long as it doesn’t pertain to them. One thing that I ask of anyone who reads this: please, do not show me pity. I still grasp on to pride for many reasons. I do not want feel like I gotta recieve a big group hug to make me feel better. I reallly do not know what will make me feel better. This is not some retarded letter of suicide or a symptom of me being emo or anything (paranoia made me think about this possible assumption). I am much too intelligent to even consider such a pathetic, selfish road. I always think everything out before acting. I would not ever dream of doing something so foolish and worthless. Imagine how many people would suffer due to my egoistic, foolish decision…..I really do not know how to end this, so I will end it with something that I hold near and dear to me. The lyrics really make me think. The world tries to keep us in its vicious grip, but He saves us…Thank You For All You Have Done For Me Jesus, The Messiah. You Have Blessed Me Beyond What My Mind Can Ever Comprehend. You Deserve All The Praise. Only One Deserves The Glory, And That Is You…You…You…Only You…