Nostalgic Incense

God is good. God is just. He made the universe. He made life. He gave us salvation through His Begottten Son. He will bless the entire family of a believer who comes from a gentile household. He will never forsake us. He will make sure there is never a “good bye” between anyone who is Born again, rather a “see you later” instead. He will say the phrase that is sweeter than honey and milk when He greets you at  the Heavenly Gates. He will bring all His children back to Him in the most cataclysmic event to ever happen in human history. He will allow the greatest evil the world has ever known to carry out his plans on Earth. He will have the people endure 21 judgements in one last ditch effort for them to come back to Him. He will establish His Millennial Kingdom that will still reside of both the saved and cold-hearted. He will once and for all vanquish the fallen angel, Lucifer, to the sentence that is justly deserved. He will make a new Heaven and Earth. He will wipe away every tear, for there shall be no more crying, pain, or death for the former things are passed away. He is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. He is Jesus Christ.

Nostalgia is where you recall a former memory or experience of a particular moment in your life. Something many of the old timer’s do…frequently about the same thing over and over again without realizing it. Take into effect that it serves many purposes. A hopeless 47 yr. old drunk wash-up would babble “I cOuld hAve maaadE sooomeTING [hicup] of my F@%$in’ seLF! But nooOOOoo! I eNded up…..”. In this case, it would deliver self regret for what said drunk messed up. Mainly, life. It wouldn’t provide any consolation, but would occupy their minds with enough “what if’s”  to have them pass out instead of dying of alcohol poisoning. Ol’ grandpa would recall the days of his youth. When he was once able to play marbles as a boy, go to his first school dance, and so many of those “when I was your age” stories. This scenerio gives gramps the ability to enjoy what he has experienced throughout his many years of life. Never able to go back to those “good old days”, but still content. Adults bicker about the how gas was cheaper back when compared to now. They wish things were like before when it comes to those prices. Nostalgia will incure utter glee, a wistful sigh, or even head-splitting incense.

I’m still pretty young. Almost 17 yrs. of age now and soon going into my Senior (final as well) year of HIgh School. Social life has been at its best and keeps rising up. Quite a bit of family together-ness going on. Entertainment has been remarkable. All these awesome flicks coming out, soon being able to rock out on a real plasic guitar (not including plastic drums n mic), and YouTube outranking television. Life couldn’t get any better for a gentile…the only problem is that I am no longer a FULL gentile.

I am what is considered a ‘saved gentile’ (made it up myself). I was of this world for roughly 14 yrs. of my life. I partook in what mainstream pop culture told me to do. Some things I am thankful for while others…not so much. I accepted Christ which made me a New Born person that has had many of his influences drawn from the world. So now, I have drawn my influences from mainly the Bible, but the world views still Linger. What this has resulted in for me is a spiritual life focused on God.

So I have an entertainment life, a social life, and a family life that are at their highest ever which would be great for any american teenager. While those pillars are amongst the clouds…..they simply tower over my spiritual life. It doesn’t take a genius to notice a problem in their own life. It thought it would heal itself, but apparently it didn’t. My role in my student ministry has diminished so badly that I have become aghast to how far I have fallen. Where I am at leaves me shocked and appalled…my strengths have become rusty, my knowledge about the End Times and Californication has dropped (californicaton tier 5 wasn’t even written when it was released. i wrote the damn thing a half a year ago for god’s sake). I am not even willing to extend my hand another 3 in. to reach my Bible, so I continue to play video games for hours on end. Thusly, I no longer have a desire to read anything at all…..what once began as a plateau in my spiritual life quickly transformed into a random up-hill, down-hill spiral where I keep finding myself content one moment and then begging for forgiveness down the road. I dwell in the fact that I was learning new things from God everyday. Steadfast in my relationship with Christ. I kept climbing the mountain. Finding no sight of the peak and hoping it wouldn’t come soon. Clouds of glory prevented me from seeing how much higher I could go. This motivated me to clamber the mountain without fear nor hesitation. Even the struggles of winter kept me strong in my faith. As I would climb, the harsh bitter winds would try to knock me down. I would lose my grip every now and then, but stop I did not. Reaching that plateau was nerve racking and arkward. Falling down…even worse…

If I were to find the cause of all this, I couldn’t say. But I do recall the day where everything took root. I don’t remember the date exactly (too lazy to find out), but it all started the day before Senior graduation for 3 of my friends. I was up late working on a project I decided to leave up untill the last minute. It was an interview project that was already a week late and had to be turned in on Friday or I get a 0/300 points. THAT would have been a major pitfall for me in the future so I type up the last 4 interviews up on my computer to print out. It was about 1 am when I finished so I thought to myself “print it out, then finally go to bed!” Well, it turns out after I print out one of the 4 pages…the damn printer jams up! It keeps swallowing in the paper so most of it gets shoved in on one side. So I try to fix the thing, but it only infuriates me to the point of constant cussing and swearing. I kept trying to swear at a lower volume so I wouldn’t awake my parents upstairs (still amazed they didn’t hear me). I literally took 3 hrs trying to make the damn piece of crap to work! So by then it’s already 4 am so I decide to write the rest up at school. The plan was to ride the bus to school and feverishly finish it up there before classes started. I go to bed agitated, but pray nonetheless. I end up waking up at 5 am after having one of the strangest, perplexing things happen to me. This just confuses me so I put it off as nothing and go back to bed. I wake up late, missing the bus by an hour. This puts the original plan into shambles. So I end up having to endure my mom yelling at me while she drops me off at school which is never fun. I arrive at school at 8 am and worry about what I’m gonna do. I end up explaining to my history teacher that I’ll have it in by the end of the day (may God bless her understanding!). After the joy of having one more chance to finish this paper arises, I remember I still have to finish a photography project the same day…..imagine the distress. The photo project was simply to develop some pictures I took in a dark room and show them to the teacher. The only solution to these two dilemas was to finish the paper first and then the photo project. I end up skipping most of my lunch to write this blasted thing, only to leave the library for a quick bite to eat. I literally spent but a mere 3 min. in the cafeteria. 1 min. to buy an overly priced, tiny cheeseburger. 1 min. to eat it. 1 min. to throw the paper and say farwell to my friends. Worst. Lunch. Ever. I end up skipping french class (no big deal, got straight A’s there) to write the rest of the paper which did get completed. Due to the time limit, I actually had to make up an interview off the top of my head. All that was left was to turn it in by day’s end and go to the photography room. The photo teacher (may God bless him as well) let me into the photo room to work on it. Apparently I was doing something wrong because I kept getting an all black image. I was there for about 2 hrs. and in that time 1 girl came in to do her work, she left, another 2 came in later, they leave, then a nice girl (not THAT kind of ‘nice’ you perverts). Since I was the only guy in there with the first girl, she kept giving off a  you better not try anything kind of vibe, which made me feel awkward and offended. Same thing with the other 2 girls. So by this time, I’m agitated, offended, and impatient. On the verge of blowing up, the nice girl (may God bless her has well) came in and started some friendly chit chat. Nothing flirty or anything like that, just friendly. She ended up giving me some advice as to how fix what I’m doing. Helpful…yes, but I had to go to civics class for part of our final exam. I go there, end up writing about half a page, mess up in the worst way. I had to start over, stay 5min. after class to finish next to a air conditioner that was freezing my ass off!! I had to go BACK to the dark room to finish up, couldn’t remember what the nice girl told me to fix, so I stay an additional full hour there cussing and swearing in every sentence I made. I was pissed off in the worst way…had ZERO idea what I was doing wrong…it was literally Hell in there (it was all red in there…). I remember I need to take my science final exam which was my worst subject!! Imagine what was running through my mind!! I write a full paper, take writing exam, have eaten next to nothing, need to finish a photo project, and now take a physics final exam…I was pissed beyond belief!!! As things continue to unravel, I ask my one friend to give me a ride home which was cool with him. What wasn’t cool was getting in his car jammed with another 8 or 9 strangers I didn’t even know! So I end up walking home instead and avoid another yelling when I give my mom a flower I took from some neighbors garden (ace).

Anyways, (please bare with me) I end up going late to my friends’ graduation ceremony which was in a church. I end up sittin’ alone when I didn’t find whom I was supposed to sit with. The whole ceremony thing was the highlight of the piece of shit day. Things could have really changed for the better after the ceremony. Unfortunately, it didn’t. Since I only got an hour or so of sleep, I was beginning to fade out. I managed to congratulate my graduated friends (wouldn’t have missed that for the world), but couldn’t find a way home. My mom was at least an hour away from home and dad was at work. So it’s already after 9 o’clock and I have no way of getting home which was a full 2 miles away. Walking through the dark roads to only stand outside my home with no keys…makes perfect sense. My one friend, Kedren (newly graduated), offered if I would want to go to the graduate after-party or something like that. It’s all the way in another town over 10 miles away. If I was to go, I was to go with my one other friend, but he wouldn’t even answer his phone. So it’s almost 10 pm (dammit) and I don’t give any answer to Kedren and just begin walking up to a gas station a couple of blocks away. I call my mom to get me there so I end up waiting for half an hour. Kedren worries about me and calls (such a good, good, friend she is), but I reluctantly tell her about my horrible day. I left out a few parts, but she got the main story. While at the gas station talking with Kedron on the phone, mom drives up. As we go home, the call breaks up. By then I really don’t give a shit anymore. I get home, get a call from Ken, who heard about my day (such a good friend). I end up babbling some random junk that even I didn’t know what I meant to say. Embaressed, I say good bye and said I was gonna be fine. I was not fine after that. I swore more than I did in a year that day, angry that God didn’t help me in the dark room (not at Him, but what He didn’t do), wasn’t even caring about important stuff…

So in a nutshell, this is what happened:

Worked on paper until 1 am, but printer jammed. Wasted 3 hours fixing it. Woke up at 5 am and had an awkward and confusing experience. Missed bus, got to school late, skipped most of lunch to work on paper, spent but a minute in lunch to eat a tiny burger, finished paper, went to photography dark room, was being seen as a pervert in the dark room by 3 girls when I did nothing wrong at all, photos were coming out bad, had to leave to do a writing exam, got super cold in there, went back to dark room, ended up swearing with no signs of stopping, had to take a physics final exam, walk home, late to friends’ graduation, sleep got to me, couldn’t find way home, walked a few blocks to a gas station, got concern from friends but felt like I just lashed out at them, unintentionally insulted one of my friends…

Forgive me if I seem to be going off on a rant or rammbling on, but I just had to share this. That horrible day gave way to over a month of me messing up my spiritual life. As I remember over a year ago, when I went on a missions trip to New York City, I was at the top of my game. I had a passion for God. I wanted to serve Him with all my heart’s content. Then I looked at myself. It gave me an incense of rage. O’ how I wish to be like that again! I want to be close to God like never before. My other areas of life have gotten better, but that doesn’t make me happy in the long run. God does. I know I have lost some authority and even respect…knowing I have gone so far off from where I once was saddens me. Recently, I wasn’t allowed to go on a missions trip to Lebanaon (not the country) due to money. It only made me feel worse. I simply love serving the church there! I love every little thing about it! Maybe that’s God in me, but hearing the gospel spread in both English AND my native toungue, Spanish………it just feel’s like Warmness on the Soul. Even though I didn’t go, I still wanted to be part of it. I was discouraged to say farwell to the ones going because of someone and that caused a heavy feeling of sorrow on my heart. I wanted to send them off with something. I wanted to give some last minute advice to those who already went and those who haven’t. The only thing I could think of doing was to have my encouragement be sent through someone else. I texted a friend of mine who was on the trip to do just that and that brought satisfaction over my soul. If she told everyone or not…knowing I at least made an effort makes me happy. I fully notice where I am at. I am not at my best. I fully accept that. I am stripped of certain privileges and opportunities…but I accept that. I am where I am at because I fully deserve it. And Justice For All…I am not going to justify my reasons when I know I deserve worse. For what I have done recently and in the past. I know I am a worthless sinner that deserves the pits of Hell. . .but I also know God puts me through these trials for a reason. For the greater good that is He. God is Good. God is Just. He will never forsaken me…As the hart pants after the water brooks, so pants my soul after you, O’ God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; when shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me. Where is thy God? When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me: for I had gone with the multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holyday. Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou diquieted in me? hope thou in God for I shall yet praise Him fror the help of His countenance. O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar: Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy water-spouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me. Yet the Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life. I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they say daily unto me, Where is thy God? Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me?  hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God. -Psalm 42

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